I've recently given up on a lot of things.I've recently given up on a lot of things.
Velious brought new hope, and yet it has failed me.
Probably 150 hours spent in the new lands I happened upon a tremendously bad day. It was about the fourteenth or so bad day in a row as it were since my binding in Velious.
In the beginning the exploration and aimless wandering to find a place was interesting. After a week it grew tiresome, 'where had everone my level gone'. I wondered, and posted on a board. After two weeks and averaging 3 days on with only 1 of those days, in part, grouped in any sort of capacity, it had become nearly unbearable.
On this particularly bad day I had, for about the fourth time, set out a goal for myself. This particular goal was to get the key and explore Crimson Scar and beyond. Where I had heard for about a week, people my level were. Well I got the key no problem, in exchange for rezing someone in there. I logged out and was going to spend the next day, the most tragic and ending of days in Velious, exploring Crimson Scar.
I logged in happy and excited, I found some dragons who liked me, which was cool because I like them. I found some cute otter guys, who I found very friendly. I found some syrens, one decided to attack me, but I managed to solo it and get experience. I thought 'hey, finallly after weeks of nothing a ray of hope. Somewhere new, interesting, and a place I can solo at.' I medded up and then attacked another Syren. This one was not so happy to great me. She and her two friends charmed me dropped me down with the others, I manage to become un-charmed, run across to otters on the beach, in the prossess inadvertantly training 2 people, they were as much suprised to see me as I them, as I'd spent the last hour the only person in the zone and they happened to be along the exact line between where I came over the hill and the otter camps, and when the otters didn't attack the Syren I died on the beach. 'Well damn' I thought, 'so much for soloing I guess'. And now I had killed people accidently and they were giving me crap for it. I then made the very long trek, getting sow and invis to go back through Kael again, all the way through the Wakening Lands, and the Dragon city Skyshrine, back to Cobolt Scar to thusly rez myself and spend the next 1/2 hr medding and rebuffing. 'Well at least I can still be lfg, preying for a group, and maybe I can find the zone to what lies beyond.' But of course no, I'm spotted by more Sirens who charm me, pull me under to their watery camp and I die again. I then go all the way back and die again, making a second body to add to the first. My timer nearly reaching zero I have some people help me get my stuff back and I'm rezed.
Later that day I get an invite for my second Plain of Growth raid. Long story short I die three times on this raid, and spend more time in CR than I did on the raid.
This was my last day in Velious. I had spent roughly 2 weeks and a game play time of probably 150+ hours, spending my average 10 + hour days, as I'm currently on vaction, aimlessly wandering with no monitary or quest or item gain. Every last attempt I made to gain something always ended in some kind of dizaster or countless hours lfg before I had any sort of contact with anyone.
Summary / Solution / Truth
Tonight I gave PoG another chance, as I would like more of my gear or spells, after two straight days of solid gain in Sebillis. But guess what, again my hopes are shattered. We spend 2 hours just sitting at the gate, I presume in preparation, and we fight for 2 hours, then wind up going too far north, and due to a mixture of people getting lagged by the watterfall area and simply too much rage on us, we spend the next 2 to 3 hours in CR. What little hope I had again shattered.
I find myself yearning for days long past.
I think of my real life, of loves past, and how long I've been single and how I can't seem to interest anyone.
I think of my EQ life, and yearn for the day when 500 on the server was a busy night. Where the zones pretty much had the exact same people at the same times. Personalities stood out and meant something.
I think back to my house, my previous jobs, my credit cards; to days when I didn't have to worry about money. Not that I do now, I do have one last semester basically still waiting in my bank. But that will run out.
I think of all the plat I constantly drain on symbol costs, how I can never afford any new equipment, let alone find it. How day after day I hear people talking about this uber loot and that uber loot and how there second and third characters have this and that and yet I have very little. Going to a solution site and going to sit somewhere to camp something just seems so... like I were giving up on the adventure and just there to collect x, y and z.
Thinking of my life where I'd like a girl, and close friends, in my life, but don't depend on them to be me.
Thinking of my life when I could solo or group by choice, not by force of "the vision".
I think to my own life, which recently, especially lately, seems to hit me twice as hard back when I am allowed to take one step forward.
I think to my misfortune in Velious, my 150+ hours spent to recieve a single blue bubble of experience, and, although there uber, one pair of pants.
Lately I yearn for the days when I was younger and care free. When I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. When I had a girl who loved me, and friends who I hung out with. When everything I did, all the things we did as a group, were new and interesting. All the games and trips full of promise for the future and new adventure.
Lately I yearn for the days of Lake Rathe and Karana... Those days so long ago now for me, probably about August of 99, a year and a quarter ago now, when 500 - 750 was a crouded night on our server (non-peak 250). I yearn for the day when personality meant something. Where people weren't expected to buff or rez or even group with you, but instead knew what you were by how you acted, your personality and reputation, which sometimes would preceed you. Back in the day where role playing meant something...
Back when EQ was still an adventure, the people and places had life and meaning...
Back when the world was young, full of hope, you had value and personality and...
As cliche as it may sound, everybody knew your name. You had a place, a validation of your existance and worth just by being there. You could not be replaced. When you had a triumph others shared it. When someone won something everyone was happy because they knew their history and knew them personally. When EQ was not ever booring, dull, or had any expectations, but was easy and fun.
Sometimes when the fantacy is no longer a fantasy, but a reality, it moves beyond what it could be to what it is.
But we can not give up on it, it has already become a part of us.
And sometimes the sadness of loosing that part, would be just as great as admitting that it is no longer the dream you once dreamed.